Wednesday, 28 April 2010

con·do·lence   [kuhn-doh-luhns]

Noun - Often, condolences. expression of sympathy with a person who is suffering sorrow, misfortune, or grief.
Here's a word - that evokes such specific feelings. A word that i had never truly understood until recently - it's a beautiful word - but one that i'd be so happy never to be the focus of again.  It's a while since i wrote - and as you'll have seen we lost dearest D.  
So so suddenly - one moment i was sharing coffee in spring sunshine with cherished FRD and weighing up unpacking more boxes Vs spending time with D - and then i was in a car  having received the call that we never want 'Come as quickly as you can'. 
We thought we still had weeks / months.... 
Time stood still ... every moment of the drive up the M1 is etched on my mind - as i drove - hoping and praying with every ounce of my strength that i would get there in time... steeling myself and strengthening my nerve for what would greet me when i arrived. It wasn't possible to speak to M and learn of the situation - it was only possible to drive and be there as soon as possible. Then i was there and D blew me a kiss... and said that he had an infection ... 24 hours he needed to get over it ... i hoped.. but knew that it wasn't true, that he hadn't heard what the Dr's had said... and for this i am grateful - he had no idea that as we chatted that evening it was to be his last .. 
He had no idea that as he kissed mum goodnight 'Big Love, ' he said, 'see you in the morning.' It would be the last he spoke to her ... the love that he'd spent 47 years with...  
He had no idea that as we chatted about the usual things... when he won a concours prize for his car ... the differences between NHS & Private ambulances (he was a great advocate of the NHS) ... the inconsequential things that filled those evening hours... 
No idea that they would be our last chats... 
Then silence - and suddenly - swiftly and suddenly he was gone - so gone. 
So so gone. 
Since then i've been witness to and at the centre of an immense outpouring of love and shock and grief... it still hasn't hit me... somehow i feel removed from so much... our world shifted that night - and despite knowing that the shift was coming towards us ... it was still a shock. Nothing could prepare me for the shock that death brings with it. There is no preparation. 
No other experience in life can replicate the starkness and finality of death.  My head knows that there is nothing i could do  that night - that all the medical care in the world wasn't going to prevent this ...the nurses knew he was going .....  but i am still tormented by 'what if i'd.....' 'what if i'd......' 'why didn't i.....' 

All that is left is to mourn and and let time do what time does.. take the aching sting away.  

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