There she goes......

It's a late late night .... 2am and i'm spending my last night in the flat that has been home for the last 2 years. Already looking alien as things are gathered together and piled up waiting for the removal men to arrive.... i thought i'd pause before sleep and capture the moment. 


I'm not sad to be leaving here .... it was a home that was always temporary so i've never rooted fully ... too small to entertain, and with funny neighbours i never overcame the temporary feeling ...  also i think i know now that i am indeed a north london girl. I move back 'home' tomorrow to NW3 - next to Hampstead Heath - where i've lived so happily before. It feels like i'm moving home. 


It's exciting .... and as i'm moving into a bigger space - i can for the first time since i went away to live in Africa 8 years ago - gather back all of my belongings and bring them under one roof. I'm almost as excited about getting all of my books and things - as i am about moving into a bigger space... 


I started my new job last Monday ... and tomorrow move to my new home... 


This is all going to make the next months with Dad so much more bearable.... 


I hope your spring feeling is emerging - it feels as though hope is rising up...


A la prochaine xxx

Sunday 14th March ....

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.  ~Jewish Proverb

Luxury ...

"Contemplation seems to be about the only luxury that costs nothing. "                 

 — Dodie Smith

Life has a funny rhythm for me at the moment - being someone who loves to hang out and spend time with my friends - i'm not seeing much of them. My weekdays are dominated by work and my weekends are spent on motorways and with my parents.  I'm missing my friends... I had a lovely evening last night with a bunch of the nears and dears - it was fun .... and lovely to hear how life is moving on for everyone - this winter has been long and cold (and emotionally i've felt quite bleak.... ) but there are good and exciting things taking root all around - new homes being searched for - new jobs - travels being planned....

Lovely things to contemplate .. and anticipate... 

For me it feels like spring is coming in a beautiful way - i leave my job on Tuesday ... i've been there for 3 years and had some of the best and worst of times... i work for an amazing organisation which does incredible work - and i've contributed massively .. but as with everywhere, happiness in a job is more dependent upon the immediate relationships around you than the merits of the wider organisation ... and it is this that i have suffered from. So i am leaving - with modest regret that my time there hasn't been all that it could have been, but also with confidence that i have done everything possible to change things and i 'gave it my best'. But my 'spring' feeling comes from the exciting project that i am joining .... me and my 'business partner' are launching a new organisation - which is scary and exciting all at the same time... the business plan started last october (perfect time for planting) and now is the time for me to join full time to nurture the first shoots as they emerge. We have a big organisation to build so the roots need to be strong! All the signs are good ... and as the months roll by i'm sure i shall start to reveal what we're doing! But ssshhhhhh for now!!!! 

The rest of the bounce in my steps comes from the fact that at the end of March i'm returning to my beloved North London... after a stint 'South of the River' i'm returning to the place that is home - and heading back to Hampstead. So a summer of picnics on the Heath, swimming in the Lido and gardening my new little garden is ahead. 

Oohhhhhhh ... spring is going to be gooooooood....... all of which will give me the emotional nourishment to 'bear' up as we continue to battle Dad's illness.... and hopefully some space to spend more time with friends.... 

So as i contemplate the spring joy ahead in my life - what are you contemplating at the moment? 

And one last luxury ... i promised a photo so here we go ........

The before ......

The After....

Perfect - same same but different!!! 

A la prochaine xxx

It's true...

Choice....

Can be the greatest of tormentors - And the most wonderful of friends.
A few years ago i lived in Africa for a while - the work i was doing was the most fulfilling i've ever done - on almost every level -  it drew together all of my skills perfectly and i loved it. I loved living in Malawi - i had fabulous friends - i was part of something great.
Before i returned to Europe (and indeed frequently since) i was offered my 'perfect job' on a permanent basis. To take partnership and embed myself in the organisation that i worked for.
It was a really difficult choice ...
... really really difficult....
... i didn't take it .... there was somewhere deep deep within me the desire to be around my parents as they got older. There was within me a responsibility that i should be nearby both to enjoy them, but also to support them.
Where this seed was sown from i have no idea - it hasn't come from them - but it is within me.
I often return to that decision - and have never regretted it ...
I'm so glad that i'm here right now.  I've had a lovely day ... Dad was singing to himself this afternoon - it made me smile about yesterdays post - i played football with the dog in the garden - and i've begun to plan my future in the new home that i viewed this morning. Most of all - i gave Mum a rest.
Be still this gentle house and let everyone sleep happily tonight. The wonderful work in Malawi will be there for another time ... or another person.

This is our song -

- and when i say 'our' - i mean Dad & I.  

There is no question that my love of jazz stems from being immersed in the music of Ella & Louis (amongst others) as i was growing up. I've inherited my love of music from Dad and this is the song that i can hear him singing as he wanders around any one of the houses that i grew up in. It's also the song that i can remember him singing as he dropped me off at school at the start of terms and the end of weekends at home (yes i was 'away at school') which, when you listen to the lyrics makes it an enchanting memory - but, dear reader, Dad's not that kind of sentimentalist, it's far more likely that he was singing it because he loves to sing certain songs rather than giving me a sweet & emotional send off back into a new term! 

I haven't heard Dad singing it for some time now - but i hope i will again. 

Last September we were stunned by the 'C' word - out of the blue it hit the heart of us (and close to the heart of him). Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. It's a vile disease & the treatment is brutal - truly brutal. 

So we are on that rocky road that is well known to so many - the battle against a vile and invasive disease - the one that batters physically, mentally and emotionally & from which there seems to be no respite. It dominates our conversations, our diaries and has changed the shape of us both individually and as a family.  But in the midst of this invasion - there is a precious and beautiful dimension - there are weekends together at home - Woody Allen films to giggle at - favourite foods to prepare, pouring love into them every step of the way. 

And soon i hope to hear dad singing as he wanders about the house again.

I have no intention of writing an account of living with cancer nearby - but equally i have no intention of writing my life as if it didn't exist. I can, and do, rage against the injustice of it -   I am crippled by the thought that when i meet the man i am destined to marry, Dad won't be there,  and i'll never hear him make 'that speech'. He's been the single biggest influence in my life and i can't imagine the shape of my world without him. 

But i am so thankful that i have a window of love to share with him - a window of weekends together at home - Woody Allen films to giggle at - Favourite foods to prepare - and i have the chance to reshape my hectic life to include more of home in it. 

I don't think that i was ever described as a 'Daddy's girl' - we've never shared that kind of enchanted relationship. Along with my love of music I get my strong character, independent streak and my determination from him ... there's a U2 lyric that resonates - from a track that Bono wrote about his Father -  "We fight all the time , You and I...that's alright, We're the same soul, I don't need...I don't need to hear you say, That if we weren't so alike, You'd like me a whole lot more" (Sometimes You can't make it on your own - U2).  So fair to say that i've never been a 'Daddy's girl' in that sweetest of senses - but i've never questioned his love or his support. 

But just now - I'm definitely a Daddy's girl and we're both loving it.

So this is our song -  the bit of jazz that is my precious precious gem & i'm so glad that i've found my very favourite rendition of it to share with you. This is the recording that i grew up on - i swear you can hear Louis Armstrong smiling as he sings. 

Listen to it dear ones and may it's gentle beauty warm your heart as much as it warms mine. 

A la prochaine x