Playing around ....

So i'm dipping a toe back into this funny old space... and as i opened up i felt that the colours should be lightened for summer....  so in the hope that summer might one day appear and all of our 2am's will be lighter and balmier as opposed to the glorious icy cocooned ones of the winter i have lightened up the page to celebrate!

And with this i shall start to re-emerge from my hibernation. It's too easy to hide from the world licking wounds and feeling blue...

Here marks my determined effort to step out once more... it's going to be hard to break the habit ... but break it i shall ...

A la prochaine xxxxx

This will forever be my farewell ....

Dearest D .... forever the moment we said farewell ....  xx

con·do·lence [kuhn-doh-luhns]

Noun - Often, condolences. expression of sympathy with a person who is suffering sorrow, misfortune, or grief.
Here's a word - that evokes such specific feelings. A word that i had never truly understood until recently - it's a beautiful word - but one that i'd be so happy never to be the focus of again.  It's a while since i wrote - and as you'll have seen we lost dearest D.  
So so suddenly - one moment i was sharing coffee in spring sunshine with cherished FRD and weighing up unpacking more boxes Vs spending time with D - and then i was in a car  having received the call that we never want 'Come as quickly as you can'. 
We thought we still had weeks / months.... 
Time stood still ... every moment of the drive up the M1 is etched on my mind - as i drove - hoping and praying with every ounce of my strength that i would get there in time... steeling myself and strengthening my nerve for what would greet me when i arrived. It wasn't possible to speak to M and learn of the situation - it was only possible to drive and be there as soon as possible. Then i was there and D blew me a kiss... and said that he had an infection ... 24 hours he needed to get over it ... i hoped.. but knew that it wasn't true, that he hadn't heard what the Dr's had said... and for this i am grateful - he had no idea that as we chatted that evening it was to be his last .. 
He had no idea that as he kissed mum goodnight 'Big Love, ' he said, 'see you in the morning.' It would be the last he spoke to her ... the love that he'd spent 47 years with...  
He had no idea that as we chatted about the usual things... when he won a concours prize for his car ... the differences between NHS & Private ambulances (he was a great advocate of the NHS) ... the inconsequential things that filled those evening hours... 
No idea that they would be our last chats... 
Then silence - and suddenly - swiftly and suddenly he was gone - so gone. 
So so gone. 
Since then i've been witness to and at the centre of an immense outpouring of love and shock and grief... it still hasn't hit me... somehow i feel removed from so much... our world shifted that night - and despite knowing that the shift was coming towards us ... it was still a shock. Nothing could prepare me for the shock that death brings with it. There is no preparation. 
No other experience in life can replicate the starkness and finality of death.  My head knows that there is nothing i could do  that night - that all the medical care in the world wasn't going to prevent this ...the nurses knew he was going .....  but i am still tormented by 'what if i'd.....' 'what if i'd......' 'why didn't i.....' 


All that is left is to mourn and remember....love.... and let time do what time does.. take the aching sting away.  

April 7th ...

Has never been an important date before ... But now it will punctuate the year in a way like no other .. and it will happen in two forms...

The calendar date of April 7th.... &.... the midnight hour the day after Easter Monday ....

Dearest D - this will always be our song.

There she goes......

It's a late late night .... 2am and i'm spending my last night in the flat that has been home for the last 2 years. Already looking alien as things are gathered together and piled up waiting for the removal men to arrive.... i thought i'd pause before sleep and capture the moment. 


I'm not sad to be leaving here .... it was a home that was always temporary so i've never rooted fully ... too small to entertain, and with funny neighbours i never overcame the temporary feeling ...  also i think i know now that i am indeed a north london girl. I move back 'home' tomorrow to NW3 - next to Hampstead Heath - where i've lived so happily before. It feels like i'm moving home. 


It's exciting .... and as i'm moving into a bigger space - i can for the first time since i went away to live in Africa 8 years ago - gather back all of my belongings and bring them under one roof. I'm almost as excited about getting all of my books and things - as i am about moving into a bigger space... 


I started my new job last Monday ... and tomorrow move to my new home... 


This is all going to make the next months with Dad so much more bearable.... 


I hope your spring feeling is emerging - it feels as though hope is rising up...


A la prochaine xxx

Sunday 14th March ....

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.  ~Jewish Proverb

Luxury ...

"Contemplation seems to be about the only luxury that costs nothing. "                 

 — Dodie Smith

Life has a funny rhythm for me at the moment - being someone who loves to hang out and spend time with my friends - i'm not seeing much of them. My weekdays are dominated by work and my weekends are spent on motorways and with my parents.  I'm missing my friends... I had a lovely evening last night with a bunch of the nears and dears - it was fun .... and lovely to hear how life is moving on for everyone - this winter has been long and cold (and emotionally i've felt quite bleak.... ) but there are good and exciting things taking root all around - new homes being searched for - new jobs - travels being planned....

Lovely things to contemplate .. and anticipate... 

For me it feels like spring is coming in a beautiful way - i leave my job on Tuesday ... i've been there for 3 years and had some of the best and worst of times... i work for an amazing organisation which does incredible work - and i've contributed massively .. but as with everywhere, happiness in a job is more dependent upon the immediate relationships around you than the merits of the wider organisation ... and it is this that i have suffered from. So i am leaving - with modest regret that my time there hasn't been all that it could have been, but also with confidence that i have done everything possible to change things and i 'gave it my best'. But my 'spring' feeling comes from the exciting project that i am joining .... me and my 'business partner' are launching a new organisation - which is scary and exciting all at the same time... the business plan started last october (perfect time for planting) and now is the time for me to join full time to nurture the first shoots as they emerge. We have a big organisation to build so the roots need to be strong! All the signs are good ... and as the months roll by i'm sure i shall start to reveal what we're doing! But ssshhhhhh for now!!!! 

The rest of the bounce in my steps comes from the fact that at the end of March i'm returning to my beloved North London... after a stint 'South of the River' i'm returning to the place that is home - and heading back to Hampstead. So a summer of picnics on the Heath, swimming in the Lido and gardening my new little garden is ahead. 

Oohhhhhhh ... spring is going to be gooooooood....... all of which will give me the emotional nourishment to 'bear' up as we continue to battle Dad's illness.... and hopefully some space to spend more time with friends.... 

So as i contemplate the spring joy ahead in my life - what are you contemplating at the moment? 

And one last luxury ... i promised a photo so here we go ........

The before ......

The After....

Perfect - same same but different!!! 

A la prochaine xxx

The challenge...

A couple of weeks ago i posted about 'a challenge' i'd given the fabulous Plenderleiths  (you can read about it here) and earlier on this week i went along to see how they'd done - and i'm not disappointed!

Nope - not disappointed at all!

I will post a photo in due course - but just now imagine this ring -

surrounded by two chunky bright silver bands- textured with straight cut sides  - very european, they stack together beautifully, and on my long fingers take up just the right amount of space. Suddenly this beautiful traditional number has started looking all modern, cool and continental. It'll look even better in the summer when even my skin turns from bluey white to warm white!!! I love the contrast between the very traditional and fine detailing on the sapphire ring - the stones and the settings are beautiful - with the 'rustic' solidity of the bands.

The last few months have been pretty stressful - and wreaked havoc with all things 'manicurial' .... (i think i've just made up a word!) so now i have a wonderful motivation to buff, shine and rub oil into my nails and cuticles (ravaged!) so that my rings are worn on fingers worthy of them!!! 

After we'd spent time making sure the rings were sized correctly and they sat perfectly on my hand... we then retreated from the workshop and talked about other 'bits and pieces' that i'd like to do to the jewels that i have ... glasses of wine were poured and we had a lovely old time - so Anne & John are going to dismantle a pair of diamond ear-rings and surprise me with their thoughts. The aim - to add some diamonds to a pretty tear drop amethyst pendant that i have and to leave me with a pair of 'day' diamond ear-rings. 

Lovely ... sparkles..... i will post a photo soon ... and in the meantime if you have an inkling of desire for some fabulous (and reasonable) modern jewelery ... or if there's something you'd like to have made... then visit their website and do contact the fabulous Plenderleiths - they're wonderful! 

a la prochaine xxx